​chemo versus covid

It’s hard to process all that’s happening in our world, but something feels oddly familiar to me.

New data emerges each day, opinions vary, research and trials continue, government decisions are debated, every country has their own approach, hospitals are overwhelmed, panic leads to desperation, and everyone is feeling anxious about the uncertainty.

This moment feels a lot like receiving my diagnosis and learning that I would need to undergo radiation and chemo for an unknown period of time. And here’s the thing: you’re not given a choice to decide when your life will be turned upside down. A potentially lethal virus, like a tumour, spreads without your consent. 

Unexpectedly, every single aspect of my life was disrupted because of a health crisis. My job, home, personal life, finances and future plans suddenly changed in ways I could’ve never imagined and it's taken me a long time to process my diagnosis. I feel vulnerable. I still wonder about all my plans - all the things I think I want for myself. And eight years later, while I continue to wait for a cure, the fear feels heavier in this current crisis. 

So here we are, collectively wondering the same questions in a different context. When will things go back to normal?

And what if, like me, nothing ever really feels normal again? 

What if Covid, like cancer, is a chapter in our books that we don't want to re-read. What if the clinical trials don’t work? What if we go into "remission" and it returns? These are questions I ask myself daily. 

I’m part of the vulnerable group. I’m one of those people they talk about in the news who could get very sick if I catch this virus. And like you, I still have a lot of things that I want to do with my precious life. I need to make more art, and learn to bake sour dough, return to my classroom, visit Tofino with my loved ones, build a family of my own and watch the delicate blossoms on my citrus tree slowly turn into perfect lemons. 

You’re not stuck at home. You’re safe at home. How lucky are we (at least in these parts of the world) to live in safe, warm homes with clean, running water, power and reliable wifi. That’s not a punishment, that’s a privilege. So while this weird time really sucks, we'll get through it.

Please stay home and be grateful that healthcare workers and essential service workers are out there doing their important work, so that less lives are lost and we have the services we need.

In the world of cancer care, there are a lot of unknowns. It’s hard to be patient and blindly trust the opinions of others. But this isn’t a subjective debate. Unlike cancer, COVID-19 can be contained and controlled by us. Or maybe our world will be better once this challenge is behind us.

I’ve been conditioning myself for years, now distanced from the previous parts of my life - life before chemo. I have a mantra that I repeat everyday: when things don’t go according to plan, just make new plans. Take what has been offered to you, and in spite of the uncertainty, turn it into something that you’re proud of.

Going through cancer treatments, or any kind of treatment for something that is truly out of your control, is awful. Fortunately, we have some control in this situation and all it requires is a little mindfulness and patience. So, please stay home and consider the people in your community who are vulnerable and need your help. You never know what help you might need in your own future. 

Ashley and her beautiful little Bo

1. I'm going to jump right into it. Beyond the five people I met during chemo, I didn't know anyone else with my condition. Even trying to google the diagnosis came up with very few results. Thanks to Instagram, I eventually discovered you! I felt so comforted knowing you were asking the same questions and I was also really inspired by your openness to discuss your experiences. What made you start chemo diaries? 

My Chemo Diaries began as a personal journal when starting my second round of chemo. During the first two years of my diagnosis, I didn’t document a single thing. I was in shock, and chemo was a memory I wanted to forget. Sadly, when preparing for my second round of chemo, I had nothing to look back on to remind me of the experience. So, I began my chemo diaries as a legacy piece for myself.

Ashley's first journal, every appointment documented by her Mom

2. Identity for me was/is something I struggle with. Suddenly (with only good intentions), you're associated with this "thing". It wasn't a part of your life and now it's so very present. It's hard to understand if you haven't been through it, but is affects all your actions and decisions in life. Accepting that you have/had "an illness" takes time to process. How has this whole "thing" impacted your identity? I know you're stronger, and we're all continually growing regardless of our circumstances, but who is Ashley today compared to who she used to be?

This is a very difficult question! First, how did this impact my identity. My sense and view of myself has been on a rollercoaster for 5 years. I ruminate constantly on different phrases. First, acceptance of my condition caused me to identify as “sick”. But being a desmoid patient and having a “not-cancer, cancer” I then struggled with “I’m sick, but not too sick”. This led to a deep desire to not act victimized, which caused me to identify as an “overcomer”. But, you know, chemo makes you tired, so I then began to identify as “weak”. Then, you find out your tumor is stable, and you’re no longer “sick”. The hardest identity shift has been from “sick” to “well”. - Second- who is Ashley today? Honestly, I’m a recovering mess. More than anything, cancer forces you to take a real look at yourself and you’re character. It forces you to answer the question, “What am I made of?” I’ve spent years wrestling with the “Why’s” of my diagnosis. I’ve distracted myself, I’ve numbed myself, I’ve lost myself. Yes, I’m stronger, today. Yes, I’m growing. But more than anything, I think I’m still rebuilding. I’m striving to rebuild as an authentic, grateful, and respectable woman who always makes loving people her first priority. I can’t say cancer “took” those qualities from me. Cancer didn’t take anything from me. All cancer did was expose qualities in myself that I needed to confront. So that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

So much strength!

3. We need to celebrate the fact that you're in "remission". I don't even know if that's the right or appropriate word. What does remission mean to you? How have you learned to balance "regular life"

Ah! Remission is a hard word. It’s actually a word I try to stay away from. While I’ve been chemo-free for a year, my reality is that my tumor is incurable. The idea of remission feels dangerous, because I feel I need to always be prepared for my next round of chemo. “Regular Life”- It’s been a year, and I’m not sure how to define “regular life”. My life is no longer regular. I think my current lesson is to recognize when I’m allowing my diagnosis to hold me back, and challenging my excuses and fears.

Ashley with her parents, after she found out that she was able to have her port removed.

4. I think we're in an important time right now where people are starting to talk about the need for research (specifically for orphan diseases). As far as I know, the current best option is a renal cancer drug that is still in a trial phase. I feel something between hopeful and frustratated when I think of how far we've come in ten years. What would you like to see in terms of options for us Desmoid patients?

I am very fortunate that chemo has stabilized my desmoid- but I know several people who have suffered greatly from this diagnosis. There are 2 things I’d like to see.

1. Doctor education. It’s very scary to have an oncologist walk in with a research      
article in hand, and say “I’ve never heard of what you have, but this article says we should do x”. (True story)

​2. There are so many different opinions on the best way to treat a desmoid - surgery/no surgery; chemo or radiation; HIFU or Cryoblation. Today? The “best” option is “wait and see”. I would like to see a standard protocol for how to approach treatment. Obviously different people respond to different treatments, but there seems to be no standard.

(no caption needed).

5. Aside from the chemo, what has helped you heal?

Chemo helped me heal physically. Emotionally, the main thing that has helped is time. I wish there was a better answer than this- one that allows us to take action- but time is it.

Ashley will be hosting a workshop at this year's Cancer Con Conference in Seattle 

​8. You recently started a new job! In fact, you just finished your training! Yay! We've discussed the ups and downs of having to "start again". It's an interesting experience when you have an invisible disability and a major health history. Sometimes there's even discrimination in hiring practices for people with chronic illness. How does it feel to step forward into a new job? What unique challenges are you faced with? 

Scary! I’m stepping into a new industry, and prior to starting this job, my close friend advised me to cover my port scar and never mention cancer. If I did, she assured me I’d be the first person fired if the company falls on tough times. In the US, we are required to acknowledge if we’ve had a previous cancer diagnosis, because we are considered a “protected class”. Girl! That form makes me sweat! That’s the time I choose to say a desmoid is “not cancer” - because I fear the potential repercussions. But as a side note, I’ve only had extremely positive experiences when it comes to work and cancer.

Ashley pondering about medical bills, credit scores and the time it takes to wait on hold.

10. We have a shared love of the ocean. My special place is the rugged Pacific Coast in Tofino, British Columbia. I always feel more calm when I'm near the water. You recently decided to learn to sail! I'm a big advocate for learning new things at any stage of life. What does being near the ocean bring into your life? 

I don't know what it is specifically! The ocean is my healing place - it brings catharsis. I may have to think about this more :) 

Thank you for taking the time to answer all these questions, Ashley!

​What started out as 7 questions almost doubled! I'm honoured to share them here, especially on #WorldCancerDay. Thanks again! Love you!

If you'd like to follow along on Ashley's adventures you can find her here:
Instagram: @chemo_diaries 

      Jess signing copies of the Birds Oracle Deck Book that accompanies the deck

​2. I’ve heard that it’s not easy to run a business with a spouse but you and Josh have successfully launched a company that demands a lot from you both. What do you enjoy about that process and can you share some of the challenges?

I love that through Bartender Atlas we have been able to create something that combines both of our skill sets. It is a constant challenge for us working together. We learned early on that we should each rely on our strong points and trust the other with their own. We have started dividing up the tasks of what we do. Josh becoming more of the “face” of the business and me being more “behind the scenes”. But, like everything in life, we do butt heads once and a while where we have conflicting ideas of how to go about a challenge so there is a lot of talking things out, a lot of time alone reflecting and then coming together again to solve the problem.

La Condesa, Mexico City
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3. I love mugs but one of my favourites is the one you gifted me that belonged to your Nanny before she passed away. I love the portraits you took of her and her hands and that you wear her rings. You had the chance (sorry, I should say, you created the time) to sit down with her and record some of her thoughts. I think that’s such a special thing you did. What are some of the thoughts she shared with you, that have stuck?

Just before my Nanny turned 90, I wanted to create a video interview of her telling her story. Like I am sure everyone thinks, my Nanny was the best. She was one of the kindest people I have ever met and she always spoiled us grandkids. She lived a very humble life, she worked at a factory for 30 years before retiring. Terrible work but work that enabled her to live well in retirement. And she never complained once. The interesting thing in doing that interview was realising that she had never been involved in new technology. A phone and Cable TV is as far as she got. She never once touched a computer or a smart phone. She knew there was something out there called the Internet but she had never experienced it. I was also amazed at her childhood and how much our society has changed in a relatively short time. She grew up on a farm outside of Port Hope, Ontario. Her parents were immigrants from Ireland and England who met on a farm which is now where Sunnybrook Hospital is in Toronto. Once they had saved enough money, they bought the farm, traveling the 100 kilometres (or so) via a Horse and carriage. She went to a one-room schoolhouse that went up to Grade 8. Form there, her parents couldn’t afford to send her to a school further away to continue her studies so she moved “into town” which was Port Hope. That was just what you did in those days. She moved into a boarding room with her sister above a restaurant where they were waitresses. Imagine being 15 years old and this being your life. How spoiled we are today! (I could talk on and on about her but that is what first comes to mind!)

Auntie Jess with her sweet nieces and nephew
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5. Thinking about and observing birds has become a big part of your life, but it sounds like you’ve been drawn to them since you were young. You shared a story about watching a flock of barn owls fly from a palm tree above you. I can only imagine how moving that must’ve been (the image has even stayed with me!). But in your recent years observing birds in their natural habitats, what have you learned from them?

I have learned that when it comes to birds, there is so much more to see. Birds are everywhere and yet we often don ‘t even notice them. You can discover so much of them even in your own backyard. Each species is so unique and it’s just so hard for me to describe how much I love them. Birds light me up.

Ferrunginous Pygmy Owl photographed by Jessica in Puerto Escondido, Oaxaca

6. As a photographer with broad experience, you’ve captured special occasions, people in movement, landscapes, the corporate world, art, wildlife, and lifestyles. You’re given access to people’s personal spaces and present them with the gift of capturing a moment in time. What does it feel like to stand behind a REAL camera, look through the viewfinder and explore a perspective that is true to the subject and your art.  

My camera gives me access to people in a way that I would not have. I get these intimate insights into their lives and I learn so much from it. I learn about their life stories and their insecurities. It is such an honour when people choose me to document them and it is such an honour when they choose to share a part of their story with me. There are a lot of life lessons to be learned when listening to others share and in learning from them, I believe that my life has become much richer and vast.

self portrait, Toronto

7. you have a thing for chasing light - whether it’s early morning portraits (of land, water, people or birds) with the  rising sun or the fullness of the moon. When I look at your pictures during those times of the day and night they capture a magical feeling. What is it about that specific light (sunrise and moonlight) that draws you in?

This is such a hard thing for me to describe. Light makes me feel. I am drawn to it. I do better when I am in places with natural light. My heart swoons when I see pockets of light. Light peaking through cracks. Light reflecting from skyscrapers. Patterns that light makes through things like the leaves of trees. It lifts me up and simply inspires me to create images. It allows us to see our world and spaces differently. I have learned that it is always worth seeking and hunting for good light nor matter how early you need to get up for it!

Like this strip of light on a building that I took here the other day.

This photo was taken by Jess. She isn't just captivated by the light of day, in fact some of her most beautiful photographs are of the moon. Visit her on  instagram to see more - they are magical.
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I have so much more that I could talk to her about (and we will again, soon). Jess and I usually skip the small talk and get right into the real stuff, so this is definitely going to be the first of many "interviews" and maybe one day we can record one of these. For now, I'll just hold onto her wise words and the gift of her friendship. I'll always be cheering you on from the sidelines, Jess! Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions for me (and for being patient as I figure out how I want to present them). Keep up the inspiring work and never stop chasing that light. Love you!

Hello and welcome to The Cactus Flower Journals: a collective that will feature journals, interviews, essays, illustrations, poems, possibly some bad puns & other stuff about life's beautiful (and sometimes prickly) moments. 

I have had a journal and loved writing for most of my life. It was my favourite subject in school and I switched majors in University to pursue studying it. Blooming late, but in perfect time.

It's no surprise that eventually my words would catch up with me, needing a larger space to grow. Words have the power to build, connect, inspire and flatter, but they can also wound, break, offend and belittle. Words have the power to represent a feeling, which can grow into an idea that can evolve into an action.

And like a cactus, standing still and protected by some thorns, ideas take time to blossom. I hope we can share some kind and honest words here. It's an extension of kisii, and gives me a place to share my first love: writing. 

The thing I love most about owning a small shop are the connections I've made to other like-minded people. Karen is one of those people. In my first year of opening the shop, she bought coconut wood bracelets for her relatives as Christmas gifts. I remember feeling so excited when she sent me a message, asking if I would be able to make her more than the 3-4 isted in my inventory on the shop. Of course I would! I never imagined that someone would want more than a few, so this made me really happy. 

We kept in touch over the years and I admired her work from afar, listening to her podcasts and reading her blogs - feeling connected from afar and always remembering the support she offered me in my first year of owning a small, creative business. Karen is that kind of person. 

A few months ago, after I read that her family had to rebuild their home from scratch after Hurricane Harvey, I felt I compelled to reach out. We decided to join efforts and begin a project to "make light" named after her podcast. 

For every necklace or keychain sold, the proceeds will benefit luminAID's Give Light Initiative, a company whose mission is to bring safe light to those who need it the most. I'm so grateful to Karen for inspiring me to shine my own light where I can - it's these connections that make it all worth it. Please join us in fundraising for this important cause ♡

The loom is ready for a new adventure! 

I'll be using some very special yarn from Americo Original for this one. This lovely shop will be closing soon and I'd like to celebrate its legacy with a piece made using some beautiful, naturally-dyed Peruvian yarn.

I found Americo the year I began chemo. I had no idea at the time that I would open a shop, or learn how to use a loom to weave. At the time, I was just a beginner knitter, making baby blankets for all the newborns in the family.

Nicole has been an amazing mentor and friend over the years. My winter hats might still turn out like pointy triangles, but it's no fault of her patient teaching. She's planning her retirement now and I'm so excited to see where her new adventures will lead to. As an Ayurvedic practitioner, I'm sure her wisdom will benefit many, just as her love of knitting has.

One thing is for sure, I will keep going back to her for knitting advice. The things she's taught me about slow-craft hit really close to home on so many levels. Knitting is like life - we try, make mistakes, reflect and try again until we get it just right. 

I've been reading a lot about the Scandinavian concepts of Lagom (not too little, not too much), Hygge and Lykke (simple pleasures and everyday happiness). I've also been pulled towards decluttering my personal space to make room for...well, more space basically. Clear space, to help keep my mind clear too (sidenote: chemo brain fog is a thing!).

So, as someone who wants to live with less, it's been an interesting challenge as a small business owner. Of course, like any business, I want to see it grow and become a steady source of income.  But to embrace this philosophy with integrity, means creating stuff with purpose. 

While Lagom is about finding balance, Hygge is about the cozy comforts that surround you. Even for the mindfully minimal person, the point is not to detach and deny yourself of the simple pleasures in life that bring you happiness. Rather, think of yourself as a curator instead of a collector and fill your personal space with things that are meaningful.

Pretty honest it turns out. I recently bought some from Maiwa and it is the most beautiful linen I've ever seen.

​Embroidery is a big part of my family's tradition so it's no surprise that I grew up to adore it. Who wouldn't fall in-love with the intricate work involving soft textiles, colourful dyes, beautiful threads and block prints? I know I did. So when I discovered Honest Yarn through Maiwa, I couldn't resist getting my hands on some (literally). This beautiful linen was naturally dyed and made from Belgian organic flax, spun in Bengal. 

Wouldn't it be amazing to get home and find a surprise parcel filled with things you love at your doorstep, or a hand-written letter waiting in your mailbox? Warm, unexpected, friendly gestures melt my heart. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who still make time to do things like this for others, but it seems more and more rare.

Life is busy. We keep ourselves distracted by aiming for more, planning for more and even spending more. More, more, more! It's a culture of consumption. That's one of the reasons I tried to create a shop that is filled with goods that are handmade with intention. But is there a way to balance a slower, more mindful lifestyle while hustling to be a girl boss and a teacher, and still make time for random acts of kindness? Sure there is! 

Time is no infinite resource (unless we're talking about it in a grander scale, relative to the Universe). Becoming aware of how we spend our time is a start. For example, I wasn't on social media until recently so it takes me a little longer to learn/understand it, but the hours I spend each day online can be saved. I don't have to use as much time thinking about daily posts or Instagram stories to build an authentic brand. People who care will be there. What does it matter how many followers you have, if you're not truly connected to them? All that time spent thinking about the online world suddenly becomes extra time. Maybe the online world is a giant, black hole where time may actually be infinite - it's always there regardless of where you are.

Maybe we can find little reserves of time in our day that can be redirected in more meaningful ways that make us a little nicer to ourselves and the people around us. Like a tree that spreads it's branches in all directions, we can create goals and make plans that are not based solely on ourselves, and our roots of kindness will grow farther.  We can make our own work more meaningful, and bring joy to others too. I'm trying to reinforce this in my own life these days.

So here's our homework: do something really nice for someone this week. Follow the ideas in the picture above (taken from The Little Book of Lykke: the Danish search for the world's happiest people), or think of something different. Do something for someone who isn't expecting it. Just cause. Here begins my new personal project to start random acts of kindness. I hope you'll join me on these warm and fuzzy adventures. 

I've always been interested in meditation. Having grown up in a South Asian home during a time where getting 'Indian' groceries meant driving all the way to Gerrard Street in Toronto for fresh mangoes, I also had the incredible experience of learning about Eastern medicine, spirituality and culture (an education I wouldn't receive in public school).

As a kid, I remember watching my Grandfather silently practice yoga with 30 minute headstands, or watching my Grandmother cook traditional foods, listening to my family gather to sing and read traditional poetry, or even enjoying freshly picked mint from a loved one's garden...there was method to each practice. They were being mindful.

As a teenager and young adult, I would watch my Mom stand before her special spot at home and light a diya (homemade cotton wick and ghee in a small clay pot). She would meditate and send out good wishes in silence. My aunt told me about Vipasana (a silent retreat) that she attended for one week where everyone just meditates in silence. 

Meditation was everywhere, and people who influenced me were making it a part of their daily life. And science began to back up the theories. Researchers began to study the effects on the brain through neuroscience. Doctors began stating that stress is a leading cause of heart disease, cancer and pretty much every other ailment. 

There's nothing wrong with meditation apps (I've used many), but many people didn't need them. They didn't have to set a timer on their phones. They just focused on fulfilling their intention of creating or completing something with purpose, and they did it as perfectly as possible. Full attention, limited distractions (and definitely didn't take pictures on their phone to document it). 

We spend a lot of time in our daily life multi-tasking. I wonder how much more productive and creative we would be without technology distracting us. We need to find more time to rest our minds and reset. I know I do.

When do you feel the most focussed in the day? Have you wanted to try meditation? If so, try this exercise to help you get started:

1. Get comfy in comfy clothes (comfy is key)
2. Hold something in your hand, it can be anything, but choose something that makes you feel calm
3. Close your eyes and begin to focus on the rhythm of your breath
4. Focus on the thing in your hand, feel its energy (I know this may sound like hippie nonsense, but just do it). Visualize the energy moving throughout your body, as if it is traveling through every cell. If you don't believe me, read this: Neuroscience: This is How Meditation Changes Your Brain For the Better.
5. Begin to focus on the space around your body, fill it with good thoughts that make you happy and don't allow yourself to think about anything negative. Keep breathing slowly.
6. When you're ready to stop, open your eyes and have a cold glass of water.
7. Focus on breathing and clearing your mind is the most traditional way of meditation, but the point is to start, and then work your way towards being mindful and focussed towards all tasks.
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And if you don't feel relaxed after that exercise, you can always opt for another activity that makes you feel truly calm. My next go-to meditation practice is baking. I love baking. My family used to call it stress baking, and I had a habit of "bake and release" where I'd give away the treats to my loved ones (or help them gain unwanted weight). But that's besides the point! What I'd like to do is bring peaceful practice and focus into my life more often, and I hope you will too.
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So, open a window and listen to the breeze, put on some of your favourite music. Do something that requires all your attention and helps you to slow down. Whether baking, reading, knitting, crafting, gardening, running, yoga, traditional meditation, singing, cycling. Something that gets you away from stressful work or screens.

​Just focus, take a deep breath and enjoy that moment of zen. 

It recently dawned on me that we construct our own destiny through the tiny decisions that we make each day. Impulse evolves into action. I think these little actions can lead to big life changes.

Like most people, my life has been a series of unexpected events. For what it's worth, I'm learning to embrace it and share some of my work and the lessons I've learned along the way. One thing I know for sure is that everything has a purpose which serves as a catalyst for change. Everything we encounter triggers a response that forms a little impulse that drives us forward. Sooner or later, we end up somewhere new.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.

To think about the magic that happens in that moment of impulse - that interesting split second that fills our brain with possibility. The outcome of the impulse is the decision. Which road did you follow, and I wonder where it may lead you?

Either way, it will lead you here (wherever that present moment is for you). And the beauty of finding your purpose is that it can always be reinvented, or even repurposed.

The same can be said for the everyday objects we fill our worlds with. They have a life and energy of their own, and can be used in so many different ways. I had some leftover clay and decided to repurpose it into some beads. I've never made my own beads, so this was a fun experiment for me. I decided to string them onto vegan suede and am planning on adding them into the shop. You can even add some essential oil to them, as clay retains the aroma.

I feel happy when I see the finished product. It reflects all those tiny decisions I made that lead me right here :)

Wherever your road leads you, I hope it brings you happiness. I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can escape at anytime. That's what I felt the first time I practiced savasana. I felt peaceful and my mind was still, while the rest of my body was buzzing after being able to finish an entire class without collapsing on the mat. Yessss.

But whether practicing in a class or in a quiet spot at home, this is such a great pose to incorporate into your daily life. I realized after a few classes that I didn't have to reserve this pose for yoga only. Although believe it or not, you have to practice it in order to master it. Savasana involves the ability to spend between 1-30 minutes in deep relaxation.

Maybe collapsing is just what savasana encourages us to do. In a world that is rushing forward and prides itself on being able to multi-task, it really does take some effort to shut it all down. For a few minutes at least. All the challenges of the day disappear and your mind feels completely clear. It's the perfect pose for meditation, promotes deep relaxation, and helps your mind and body connect. 

So, let yourself let go and gently collapse onto the mat. It's good for you! :)

I'll see you in savasana

when I was a kid, my Mom decided to send me to pottery camp. By camp I mean my Dad's client who was a potter and graciously offered to babysit me for a week in her gorgeous studio filled with clay. I was a happy camper and had the best time.

Louise and the other artists taught me a new technique each day and by the end of the week, I had a collection of deformed treasures. There's something really special about working with clay - the earthy energy of it. I loved every minute of that camp but never went back to working with clay until recently, when I started experimenting with these little dishes.

So for this family day weekend, I wanted to say thanks to the potters who were my family for a week and to my Mama for encouraging me to express myself.

Hello and welcome! This is my first post and it's a personal one. I have been extremely shy about the shop, and my experiences, but in an effort to help raise awareness and promote the work that I am proud of, I've decided to open up a little about where it all started.

10 years ago I found out that there was a mass growing in my calf muscle. It was deep in the soleus and for two years we quietly watched and waited, as it continued to spread upward through my soft tissue and muscle. I'll spare you the details because that's a heavy story to begin with. But it was fuel to my fire.

Almost everyone I know has been touched by this type of experience. Either a family member, a partner, a friend, coworker or even a neighbour. One day you wake up and suddenly you're right in the middle of it - listening to the jack-hammer sound that the MRI machine makes and you aren't allowed to even wiggle a toe (for an entire hour!). It's like hitting the pause button on your body while your mind is racing forward. 

And sometimes they don't have the cure, but the human spirit somehow prevails. Good people are out there to help you make the right decisions. And you stop asking, 'why me?'.

Why not me? I don't know when it happened, but I realized this is it. This is my weird and  wonderful world. Because outside of that machine, I had a classroom filled with amazing students at a school that inspired me each day. A small publishing portfolio. An incredible family that held me in place and didn't let me fall. Great friends who lifted my spirit. A notebook to write in. Music, books and poetry. A small, beautiful garden. Coffee. And chocolate, lots of chocolate.

And here I am, 10 years later, learning to balance and realizing that all of this hospital stuff is just a fraction of my whole. Outside that MRI machine was the rest of my life, and I decided to fill it with constructive work and to donate proceeds back to the hospitals that have helped me so much.

​Onward and upward.